On the size of men (not what you think!)

One thing I want clear from the beginning: this is a blog for women. It's not that I don't have sympathy for men of girth, it's just that they have it easier than we do. They're far more desirable on the dating market than women of size. Why? Because walking into a room on the arm of a large man makes your butt look smaller, that's why. Short rotund men are even better, because not only do they slim the thighs and buttocks, they make one appear taller and slimmer overall, rather like supermodel Emme. I believe we should have a rating system, a BQ (Butt Quotient), measuring the extent to which this male's body slims the body of the woman next to him. Vincent D'Onofrio (whom I consider to be a sex god anyway) would rate a good 7 on a scale of 1 to 10. He might score higher but he is too tall. Bono (another god in my libido's firmament) would be about a 4. He'd score higher, but he's not wide enough.

Whatever you do, beware the man with tight buns and washboard abs. Jeffrey Donovan, who pays Michael Westen in
Burn Notice, would score a minus 10 on the BQ scale. Unless you happen to have been born blessed with perfect womanly curves that his skinny little rear will bring into sharp contrast (say, 36-24-36), your every defect will be magnified. Avoid men like this at all cost, although this advice can be modified in certain ethnic groups and subcultures. I heard a wonderful song on a country station the other day extolling the virtues of a woman holding onto her beer gut, which gave her more for him to love. Please clone that man and his friends.

Now, if you are a large gentlemen who happens to be reading this blog today and doubts my word, I tell you all that you need is a bit of panache. Think of yourself as Nero Wolfe, or as my beloved Bono. Get yourself some impeccable outfits, imagine yourself walking into the room with Angelina Jolie in stiletto heels on your arm, hanging on your every word, and hot as hell for you. Everyone is jealous of you. You are an intelligent man with a very keen sense of taste. You can show a lady a fabulous time anywhere from Ristorante Enoteca Pinchiorre in Florence (arguably one of the top 20 restaurants in Europe) to your handsomely accessorized boudoir. You tiger, you.

Consider these things well, ladies, the next time you select your escort for a social function. Just remember my mantra: The bigger his gut, the smaller your butt!