The pencil test

Talking about the lovely plump reclining nudes painted by Peter Paul Rubens got me to looking them up on the internet. Do you know what I noticed? All of his women, regardless of the size of their stomachs or their fannies, had round, upright, perky boobs. Boobs that meet the French standard "each should fill a champagne glass -- no more, no less." How is this possible? Maybe when you are 13, first getting boobs, they may be perky and small, even though the rest of you is five sizes larger. (I was.) But that lasted for about one year.

Does anyone remember the pencil test? That was something we did in junior high. You were supposed to put a pencil under your breast, and if it stayed there it meant you had larger breasts and were more "mature." The cheerleaders passed the pencil test. I passed the pencil test. Passing the pencil test was highly desirable back then. Unfortunately, due to the ravages of time and far too many Tostitos with nacho cheese dip, I can now pass the first graders box-of-eight crayons test. You know those big boxes of 64 crayons? I figure that by the time I'm 90, the chances are good I'll pass that one. Then I'll have to shoot myself.